post #1
Even before I got laid off, I had a lot of anxiety around turning 35. I don’t have a husband or kids. I don’t own a house. And even though I loved my job, in the months leading up to the role elimination, I could feel it slipping away. I’ve never been through the dissolution of a marriage, but I’m guessing it’s a pretty similar experience: All the signs are there that they’re ready to embark on a new life, but you cling on, because the fear of the unknown is debilitating. (Well, for that and the health insurance.) Only corporations are not people, of course, and those fears are entirely one-sided. When a business crosses out your number — and you are ultimately a number — you’re up.
“I’m turning 35 and have nothing to show for it,” I told my therapist.
She offered up an excellent reframe. To paraphrase (and editorialize a bit): “What if it isn’t that you have nothing, but that you’re free to do anything?”
And, well, yes. Duh, Eden. I built this life, brick by brick. Every decision I’ve made — moves two hours from home, six hours from home, jobs I pursued, relationships I didn’t — has been guided by what I cherish most: My independence. The freedom to theoretically be able to just… get up one day and change my entire life, without it impacting someone else.
I say theoretically because in practice, I’m still a Capricorn. I cherish my independence, but I crave stability. I don’t do well with change, and I’m very good at putting my head down and working. (And again, I think a lot about health insurance.) Knowing I was never going to become captain of the boat didn’t stop me from rowing, thinking I could just hop off at the next port. Even though, in hindsight, I probably should have been more aware of the possibility of getting tossed over the side before reaching the next destination.
But overboard I went, and now I’m trying to enjoy the swim as I head toward some unknown island. I’m blessed to have landed a part-time writing job in my field, with a great team and work that keeps me tapped into the beauty industry. I managed to pick up a few freelance bylines before the year even ended, and I’m ready to earn more. I’m considering taking classes in makeup artistry or a few nail tech courses, both for professional reasons and to force myself away from the computer.
As a child, my mom couldn’t stop me from talking to strangers. While that was no doubt terrifying for the parent of a toddler, as an adult, I’m trying to tap back into that energy. I want to talk to people who do cool things, find out how they got there, and get a better idea of what my future could look like.
I also want to do things that have nothing to do with work. As I’ve recently been reminded, it’s important to have things that can’t be taken away from you, and a purpose beyond shareholder value.
I have absolutely no idea what the next post on this blog will be. It might be about fashion; it could be about politics; it could be (okay, probably will be) about pop culture. Who knows? Right now, I’m just freestyling in the ocean.
